Movie Review: Nine (Daniel Day Lewis, Marion Coutillard, Penelope Cruz, Nicole Kidman) 2009

Posted: April 9, 2012 in Drama
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The famous writer/ director Giudo Contini (Day-Lewis) has writer’s block.  He’s agreed to do a large scale musical, named Italia, but he’s run dry on ideas.  Guido tries to spend the night with his mistress, Carla, (Cruz) to stir his creative juices, but the only thing he stirs up is trouble with his current wife (Courtillard) who finds out he’s cheating on her, and finally leaves hm.  He tries to find solace in his muse, Claudia (Kidman) but even she is tired of his shenanigans with women.  Guido has nothing left to do but conjure up memories of his sainted mother (Sophia Loren) and a village prostitute from his childhood Saraghina (Fergie) to decide if women are to be put on a pedestal and admired or thrown in a gutter and ravaged.  Does Guido get his wife back?  Does Guido get rid of his writer’s block? Or does he move on to new starlet in waiting Stephanie? (Kate Hudsin)

This is a pointless, mindless, wreck of a movie.  It’s hard to imagine that this dreck was co-written by Anthony Mingella, and directed by Rob Marshall who directed the eminently better Chicago.  Guido is not a sympathetic character so it’s hard for anyone to feel badly for him.  It’s hard for anyone to feel anything for any of the women in this movie, they’re just glamorized strumpets and harlots, conquests for the Great Contini.  Why would Penelope Cruz and the formerly great Nicole Kidman and even Judi Dench play such degrading, demeaning roles?  It will take me years to wipe the memory of Judi Dench in a camisole from my mind but I will try.  The lobotomy begins tonight. Only Coutillard redeems herself as the wronged wife, and even she is forced to do a strip-tease number.  And what is with those accents?  Guido is supposed to be Italian, but Daniel Day Lewis lets his British accent slip in too often.  Courtillard is French, but sounds British , Kidman is Australian, god knows what accent she was doing, and Dench who’s  British is trying to do a French accent.  Penelope Cruz sounded Spanish, but she always does. This is dialect coach hell. And just when you thought the acting couldn’t get worse, along comes Kate Hudson, and Fergie,  Mamma Mia, no wait that was a good musical. Nine fails as a movie, it fails even more as a musical, the songs are not memorable and they are badly sung.  Most of the songs are bad because most of them start with the word Guido. Just skip Nine and hope this fine cast learns a lesson from this movie. Just because it’s a hit on Broadway, does not mean it will be a good movie.

Nine. More like a 1.

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