Movie Review: Parker (2013)

Posted: September 15, 2013 in Drama
Tags: ,


Parker (Jason Statham) is a thief with some ethics, he won’t hurt anyone while conducting his robberies.  He plans a robbery worth one million dollars with four other crooks at the Ohio State Fair.  One of the crooks, August Hardwick (Micah A Hauptman) is supposed to set a fire at the fair as a distraction, he sets it too close to the fair-goers, and that makes Parker angry.  The others ask Parker if he wants to come in on a jewel robbery worth two million, he says no, a fight ensues, and Hardwick shoots Parker and leaves him for dead on the road.  Parker doesn’t die, and as soon as August finds out he’s alive, he sends out Danziger (Kip Gilman) to kill Claire (Emma Booth) Parker’s girlfriend.  Claire escapes.  Parker gets out of the hospital and gets a new id as a Texas oil millionaire, and tracks Hardwick’s gang to Florida.

In Florida, Parker meets real estate agent, Leslie Rogers, (Jennifer Lopez) who thinks she’s landed a rich client.  He tracks Hardwick’s gang to the house where the jewelry heist is about to take place.  Parker finds out that Leslie is facing financial problems, and agrees to steal the jewels from Hardwick’s gang, and split the profits with Leslie, but before that happens, Leslie gets trapped in the house with Hardwick’s gang.  Does Parker rescue Leslie?  Does Parker kill the members of his former gang? Or does the assassin sent to Parker kill Parker?

The answers to the questions above are fairly obvious, and that’s one of the many problems with Parker, from the first frame of this film, everyone knows what is going to happen.  Another problem with this movie is that it’s too complicated, there’s the main plot with Parker and his gang, the assassin chasing his girl, Parker’s new identity and move to Florida, the real estate agent down on her luck.  An action movie is supposed to be short and simple, this one is two hours long, and has far too many characters. And Parker is a robber, as much as the writers try to make Parker Robin Hood, it I really hard to feel sympathy for somebody who steals from others.  This movie is also far too violent, it’s not cartoonish violence or something that can be excused, it’s just pointless senseless, bloody by the bucket violence and it’s inexcusable.

The acting adds to the misery.  Statham gives a dull, dry humorless performance, and the key to a good Statham movie like Crank, or even the Crank sequel  is humor.  Statham can be funny when he has the right script, but he’s too busy bloodying people and getting bloodied to crack jokes.  And who’s idea was it to give Statham a Texas accent?  He went through half the movie with a bad Southern accent, layered onto a British accent, which is like layering an ice cream sundae with onions and garlic.  JLo just acts annoyed in a bid to cover up her bad acting, I know she’s supposed to be in the middle a comeback after her stint on American Idol and releasing a new album but this performance ought to stop the comeback in its tracks. Lopez looks good, but she always has.

The direction is slow, and the writing is full of plot holes, and amateurish. Skip this movie, you’re not missing much.  It’s rated R for prodigious amounts of bloody violence and nudity.  Kids should not watch this movie for any reason.

Parker. Park this one in the trash can.


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